Excuse me God... I think you misunderstood!

It's been a little while now that I've been wanting to blog, but life has gotten in the way (and so has God). Let me explain...

It was Monday afternoon, July 16th, and my dad and I were headed to Lakeland to pick up Jessica Murdock from a friends house. She has just arrived back to Florida from her 2 week mission trip to Africa. I was really excited to hear all about it and even more anxious to hear about her BIG news. You see, she had called me earlier in the week and left a message on my work voicemail that she had an amazing day and had made a BIG decision. So was she moving to Africa? Did she find me a baby? Had she found THE orphanage that we would be returning to in the next year? What was the BIG news?

So we picked her up, headed to Chick-fil-A (of course), sat down to eat and then she started spilling the beans... "I'm moving back to New York!" Excuse me? What did she just say? Did she just really say that she was moving back to New York? I listened to all that she had to say. I knew it was for real. I knew she wasn't asking for my opinion or advise but actually telling me what she was doing. She explained how she felt as though this was something God was calling her to do and I can't argue with God.

Here's the thing... Jess is my best friend. Jess is my partner in SendMeMissions. Jess is my right-hand man. Jess is my Go-To person. If you're familiar with Grey's Anatomy... she's MY person! What am I going to do without her? She's suppose to walk through the tough times with me. She's suppose to go with me to Africa to pick up my baby boy. She's suppose to do all these things and now she's leaving. This is not what I had planned for.

So I'm studying the book of Nehemiah right now. I'm reading all about Nehemiah and his faithfulness to pray and rebuild the wall of Jerusalem. I've also been praying that just like God broke Nehemiah's heart for these people, that God break my heart. Now in my mind, I'm praying that God break my heart for the poor, the homeless, the orphans, the widows (you get the point). But I guess, even though that's where I wanted God to break my heart, that's not where my heart needed to be broke (honestly it already is in a sense). Instead, God knew that my heart needed to be broke in other ways. In ways that weren't pre-planned by ME. He knew that my heart needed to be broken from the safety of MY PERSON, Jess. He needed me to fully rely on Him for strength and guidance. And as long as I could depend on Jess I didn't have to give Him 100% of my trust & faith. And so, He broke my heart. He didn't give me a heads up, He didn't slowly do it, He just dropped the bomb on me in one quick sentence of, "I'm moving to New York."

Now, I know that I was praying for this (kind-of) but I really wasn't. I didn't really want this. I didn't really want my heart broken, but thankfully God knew it's what was needed. Thankfully He knew what was best for me and He chose to break my heart for Him. Lesson #1 God knows what's best!

He didn't just stop with Jess, He kept on. 2 days later I received an email from our adoption agency that they were currently not taking any more applications for adoption in Uganda. EXCUSE ME?!?! I think you just sent that email to the wrong person, because God clearly showed me that this is what He wanted for our lives. He's opened the doors over and over and over and now I get this email telling me NO. Well here's the deal, the email didn't say No, it said WAIT. But I'm not a patient person and I'm even less of a patient person when my heart is broken for no reason and so I read it as, no. And this is where lesson #2 comes in to play... God's timing is perfect timing.

And because God's timing is ALWAYS perfect, we will wait. We've been told that we should hear from the adoption agency sometime around the beginning of next year. And until we do, we will pray. We will pray a lot! And God will be faithful in our lives! He's always been faithful and I know He will continue to be faithful.

It's been a trying few weeks... emotionally & spiritually. But I am reminded by Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know I have the plans for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." This is what I will hold on to every single time that Satan lies to me. Every single time that I tell myself, "I can't do this!" Every time I cry out to God, "YOU MISUNDERSTOOD ME!!! I will hold on to ALL of God's promises and will make it through this time of uncertainty or better known as walking by Faith!

I was given a gift during these crazy few days that's now displayed in my bedroom. It's a reminder for me that life isn't always going to play out the way that I want it to, but that God requires of me OBEDIENCE, PERSEVERANCE, FAITHFULNESS, PRAYER, and full trust in Him. It's a gift that I will one day get to give to my son and share with him the love that my Heavenly father has shown me in the good times and in the bad.